A Poodle, A Bullhorn, and Three Nuns
by 15thBurningFiddle
Summary: Sasuke's last birthday party is in the works...Of course, Sakura gets sucked into some Uchiha mischief. IzuSaku ONESHOT for BrittMarie.


Recommended listening:

Barbie Girl-Rammstein

It gives me the heebie jeebies, seriously. He sounds like a dinosaur on crack.

* * *

It was the middle of summer. Right before August, before you get bored and start wishing for school to start. It was the time for riding bikes and eating popsicles at the park, for staying up late and telling ghost stories under blanket forts. Or, if you were too old for that, working your ass off at a summer job, summer school, (Kiba…) or getting into mischief.

It was July twenty third, to be exact. Sasuke Uchiha's birthday.

Mikoto Uchiha, Sasuke's Okaa-san, decided her son needed one last birthday party before he went off to college. She hadn't been holding them since his sixteenth, due to his dislike of socializing and people in general. And cake, but that was a whole other story that involves pastries, his uncle, and a couple of pigeons.

Yeah….Anyway.

Mikoto wanted it to be perfect for her Sasu-kun. And of course, for it to be perfect he couldn't know, for as much as she loved her son he was a terrible party pooper. Literally, but he was only two that time and so that doesn't count.

So Mikoto planned a surprise party.

Roping in his friends, a few family members, and a few of Itachi's friends, she strived to make this the best party he ever had.

Heaven help us.

* * *

"Ahhh! Madara-san, get your fingers out of there!"

"But Sakuraaaa-chan…It's so good!"

"I don't care! Did you even wash your hands?"

"Yes…maybe…no."

"I thought so. Go wash your hands and you can have a spoon."

"But….. it's not the same…"

"You're not defiling Sasuke's cake with your contaminated fingers!"

"Fine…" Madara sulked. Sakura watched him wash his hands out of the corner of her eye.

Sighing, he held his hands up for her to examine. Nodding her approval, she handed him a long wooden spoon with batter on it and began pouring the white liquid into the pan.

They were in the Uchiha family kitchen. A cheery room with a brown/ white colour scheme: white tile, sierra cabinets, cream paint, and counters that matched the cabinets. It was currently at least one million degrees Fahrenheit in the small room, and Madara crowding her was not helping one bit.

"Does Sasuke even like cake?" Madara asks, licking his spoon delicately.

"Probably not, but Itachi-kun and Shisui and every normal person here likes it." Sakura grins.

"Don't put sprinkles on it." Madara advises. "Izuna hates sprinkles."

"I do too. They ruin the texture…they're all crunchy and gross. Meh… Where is Izuna anyway?"

Madara shrugs. There is a bit of batter on his lower lip.

Sakura opens the oven and carefully puts the cake on the middle shelf, wary of the heat.

"Shouldn't you be helping him with the present organizing?"

"He's fine." Madara leans against the counter. "Speaking of fine…"

Sakura groans and heads for the living room. "Could you watch the cake for me?"

"Sure…where are you going?"

* * *

"Dickless, you are too far left and down."

"You're too far right! It won't stretch!"

The two males were hanging a banner up on the dining room wall, perched precariously on two wooden barstools that complained loudly every time they shifted.

Sakura sighs. _These two make me feel a deep emotion that goes beyond anger. _

"Hey, Naruto, Sai, have you seen Izuna-san?"

"Nope!"

"I have not seen the blind man."

"Sai! You're so insensitive."

"It's true, ugly." Sai monotones while smiling, which is very creepy.

"Izuna doesn't even care, Sakura-chan." Naruto jumps down from the barstool, leaving the white cloth to hang down. "Why are you looking for him, anyway?"

"No excuse to be rude." Sakura grumbles. "Madara-san abandoned him and I wanted to ask him if he likes chocolate icing."

"I don't see you asking me about my cake preferences, Sakura-chan."

Sakura turns. "That's because everyone knows you'll eat anything sweet, Itachi-kun."

Naruto coughs.

Uchiha Itachi was behind them, hands in pockets. His normally flawless hair and ironed clothes slightly mussed. It must have taken a lot for him to be in the same house with the father he hates, but nothing on his face spoke of anger or being uncomfortable.

"True." He concedes, smirking. "But..."

She shrugs. "I want everyone to be happy with this cake, because it's so freaking huge that it will take everyone to eat it. Plus, I want to peek at Sasuke's presents." She smiles evilly.

"He got a few interesting things. A new stereo, I think, and maybe a new car. Plus some other undeterminable objects."

"Damn. I should have known you'd get there first. I'll go look anyway…Hey, Naruto, what are you doing?"

Naruto caps his sharpie, whistling innocently. "Nothing, Sakura-chan."

"But dickless, you just wrote-"

"SHUT UP SAI!"

* * *

"Damn it, where did Mikoto put those presents?" Sakura gripes. "They're not in the second dining room, the room where Sasuke…yeah and the library…"

A strange dragging sound comes from the wall.

Sakura twists around. This house was pretty big, and old. It was probably settling or something…

"Na-gaaah!"

A hand covers her mouth quickly, and pulls her into a hole in the wall.

A hole that was definitely not there before.

Sakura squirms viciously, but her attacker has a good hold on her.

The light vanishes with a loud 'heeeenh' that sounds like a sword being dragged on the floor by a sexually disturbed maniac. She struggles harder.

"Sakura-chan!" The person/thing/monster hisses. "I'm Izuna!"

Sakura stops and turns her head. It was dark, so she couldn't see the person's face. But the voice was definitely Izuna. She goes limp and he gently drops her ass on the floor.

Sakura moans. "Why did you do that?" She rubs her backside soothingly. "The floor's pretty hard, you know…."

"I didn't think you'd want me holding you for longer than was necessary." He mutters.

"I rather be held by you than on the floor." She grumbles. "What are you doing anyway?"

"That's the thing," he laughs nervously. "I need your help."

"Oh?" Sakura quickly stands up. In the narrow space she is chest to ribs with the Uchiha, her face practically buried in his shirt. "What do you need?"

"I lost something."

Sakura waits.

"This is embarrassing… Actually, I didn't lose it, someone stole it."

"What? Who?"

He dips his head so his face is buried in her hair and mumbles something.

"I can't hear you, Izuna-san."

He mumbles slightly louder.

"What? That prig!"

"He was just joking around."

"I don't care! That's pretty mean…and gross too…How did he get it?"

"He tricked me. He was supposed to give it back." He shifts from one foot to another. "Will you help me find it?"

"Of course I'll help you! That's not something you want lying around, especially in this house. Where do you think he hid it?"

He shrugs, the action rubbing his chest against Sakura's. "No idea. I would help you look, but that's something I'm terrible at." He says wryly.

"Alright, I'll start now. If you'll let me out of here, anyway."

"Right. Thank you, Sakura-chan." A snap is heard, than the light slowly returns.

"You're welcome…Izuna-kun?"

He musses her hair roughly and smiles.

* * *

Sakura charges into the kitchen, pushing past the door with a 'bang!' and skidding to a stop on the tile.

"Madara!" She hisses.

The man closes the icing lid and places the iced chocolate/vanilla cake onto the stove.

"Yes, Sakura-chan?" He asks innocently.

"Where did you hide it?"

Madara raises his eyebrows. "Hide what?"

"You know what."

"Let's say I did know what you were talking about. Even if I did, why would I tell you?" He pokes the tip of his tongue out of his mouth slightly in a 'nya!' gesture.

"Because if you don't…" She trails off and begins smiling.

Next thing Madara knows, he is on the floor with Sakura on top of him. Luckily, the rug in from of the kitchen door and his martial arts training prevent him from hurting anything important.

"Where, Madara-sama?" Sakura whispers, her eyelashes brushing his cheek.

As a pervert, it was Madara's responsibility to check out any women in his vicinity. If he fails to do so, it could promise terrible repercussions for his psyche and general health. So, of course, he knew Sakura was attractive. Hell, he had been actively flirting with the woman since she was fifteen. But Madara was a sexy pervert, who didn't have to sit in his basement reading hentai doujin because he could get some if he wanted some. He knew how to handle himself in front of a woman. But he was definitely not prepared for…_this._

His brain promptly when into overload.

Unable to think of anything suave or intelligent to say, he simply gaped as Sakura flicked her tongue along his bottom lip and worms her hand under his shirt, her fingers making his skin tingle.

"Well, Madara-sama?" Sakura purrs.

"Straddle lower." He gasps.

She laughs. Sakura begins running her fingers along his abs, then heads north as she nibbles his ear. "Where is it, Madara-sama?" She breathes.

"I'll never tell." He moans. "Unless…" Madara raises his lips in a smirk and closes his eyes.

Nothing happens. He opens his lids.

Sakura is walking away.

"Damn, that was a waste of time." She mumbles.

"What the hell?" Madara runs a thumb over his lower lip and frowns.

It is dry.

Was that a dream?

* * *

Sakura decides to look in the basement. She heads down the white stone steps, down to the well lit basement where Shisui, the family's rebel, crashes. It was for privacy, apparently. Not surprising, considering how popular Shisui was with women/girls/anyone.

After going down the stairs, there was a large wooden door with a small hole drilled in around eye height, about the size of a penny.

Sakura knocks on the door loudly. "Shisui?"

...She knocks again.

Is he upstairs? She hasn't seen him all day.

Sakura stands on her tip toes and peers though the peep hole.

Her jaw drops.

And she runs back up the stairs as fast as she fucking can.

* * *

After getting over the trauma, Sakura starts searching for the living room in the front. Maybe he stuck it in the couch cushions or something. On the way, she rattles all the vases and checks under the beds in all the bedrooms, between the sheets, in the closets, and in the bathrooms.

No cigar.

"Okay, so where did Madara hide it? It's pretty small, so…

Gaaaah! This is impossible with this house!"

"What is impossible?"

Sakura turns around quickly. "Oh, hi Sasori-san…"

Sasori clicks his tongue. "Sakura-chan." The male was wearing a noir button up shirt and dark jeans. He had a lollipop in his mouth, apparently cherry flavoured.

She smiles weakly. Itachi's friends give her the creeps sometimes. "Mikoto-san got you to help too?"

"I was promised food."

"I see… Well, I have to find something, so…"

"I noticed." He moves closer to her, his black linen sleeves brushing against her arm. "What are you looking for?" Sasori pulls his sucker out of his mouth slowly, a string of saliva coming with it. He quickly licks it away with a quick pink tongue.

"…Something. I think the owner would feel better if I didn't share anymore information."

"Who lost it?" He is staring at her as he pops the candy back into his mouth.

"Izuna." Sakura backs up slightly. This dude was penetrating her bubble.

"Really?" His eyes widen, the light making them seem a dark grey. "I'll help you look then."

She smiles. Maybe they weren't all bad after all. "Okay, thank you. But how, if you don't even know-

"This has happened before." Sasori cuts her off. "If I see it, I'll give it to you." He smirks and walks off, leaving Sakura feeling dizzy.

What a weirdo.

What a minute, this has happened before?!

* * *

She remembers only after Sasori is halfway across the world to ask him where the presents are. Oh well.

* * *

Finally, she wanders into the library.

First she looks around the easy chairs by the windows and at the end of the bookshelves, shaking out the velvet cushions and lifting up the chairs. Then she heads over to the window sills and curtains. Nada. Around the dark wooded table in the middle of the large octagonal room, and in the small mini bar built into the wall.

No luck.

Until she gets to the last shelves.A blonde haired man was there, laughing insanely into his hand.

"Deidara-san?"

"Oi, Pinky, come over here." He whispers between bouts of laughter.

Sakura glares. "I have a name, and it isn't 'Pinky', wanker."

"Sakura-chan, whatever your name is, come here."

Sakura grudgingly obeys. "What?"

"Look." He points to a unused slot in the dark book shelf.

Sakura puts her eye to the hole.

* * *

"God damn it, is Sasuke's birthday a mini Valentines or something? Everywhere I look I see an orgy." Sakura moans, rubbing her eyes. "and I still haven't found it yet!"

She turns the corner and bumps right into a tall male.

"Sorry…" Stepping back, she looks up with an apologetic smile.

Izuna. His hair was covering his eyes in the emo fashion, his lush lips twitching.

"Any luck?"

"No." Sakura looks down, smile gone. "I'm really sorry…I even interrogated Madara-san…"

"It's okay if you don't find it, I can always buy another." He blushes. "It's just embarrassing, and I hate to be a burden."

"It's not troublesome. Everyone loses something every once in a while, right? And someone stole it anyway. Not your fault."

"Still…" Izuna turns redder. "Anyway, Mikoto-oneesan wants all of us to get ready-Sasuke-kun will be home in a bit."

"I was heading towards the living room anyway." She smiles. "Do you want me to spread the word?"

He shakes his head. "No, you're the only person I haven't told. Thanks, though." He turns around and starts heading back the way he came."

"Ummm… Izuna-kun?"

"He turns back. "Yes?" She fidgets. "Could you show me the way? I have no idea how to find the living room from here."

"Sure." He blushes heavily again.

Sakura laughs and touches his arm.

:"You're cute, you know that?"

"Wh-what?"

"Sorry," She chuckles. "You just are."

This is where most guys would go, "OMG she is so into me!" but, sadly, Izuna is slightly dense in these matters. Still red as Sasuke's favourite food, he escorts Sakura to the living room, wondering.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Oi, Izuna-san, when the hell is Sasuke-teme getting here?"

"Hag, where did you put my camera?"

"Gahhh! Itachi, why are you not wearing that polo I picked out for you?! Madara, your hair is a mess! Sakura-chan? Oh, Sakura-chan!"

Sakura hides behind Izuna as Mikoto zooms in on her. "I'm sorry, Mikoto-san…Izuna-kun needed my help with something."

"It's fine, dear." The dark haired woman brushes it off like lint on her cashmere sweater. "Madara-niisan needed to do something productive anyway."

"Hey!"

Mikoto ignores him. :Sakura-chan, you can hide underneath the table with Izuna-niisan and Madara-niisan. Itachi, behind the couch with Deidara-kun and Sasori-kun. Where is Shisui and Hinata-chan?"

Sakura coughs. "They won't be here, Mikoto-san. They're very busy."

Madara laughs and Izuna blushes again, jabbing his brother in the ribs with his elbow.

"Doing what? Oh, never mind…" She pushes the trio under the table. "Hurry!"

"Damn, woman." Madara mutters. Mikoto pretends not to hear the man and runs off to deal with Sasori and Deidara, who are arguing, and Kisame and Itachi, who are staring at each other's eyes in soulful, unspoken pain.

Sakura crawls in beside Izuna, practically in his lap because of the…

presents that were hidden under the table.

The presents.

Sakura and Madara immediately begin examining said boxes. Izuna glares (?) at them, smacking Madara's hand and pulling Sakura towards him like a wayward puppy.

"I wasn't doing anything, Izuna." Madara says innocently.

"I could hear the crinkling paper. You two are not sneaky." He pulls Sakura close to him, away from the presents and into his warmth. "You shouldn't peek at other people's presents, Sakura-chan."

"Sasuke won't mind. He'd probably appreciate me opening it for him."

"Righht." Izuna mumbles. "Be good, please."

"…Fine." Sakura mutters. She leans against Izuna, triggering his blushing again. Madara winks at him and it grows hotter.

"Sa-Sakura-chan…"

"You're the one who pulled me over here, Izuna-kun."

"You're making my poor, innocent brother blush, Sakura-chan."

"Hmmm, but it makes him look so cute, Madara-_san_."

"It does, doesn't it?" He agrees, smirking.

Izuna vows to kill Madara.

"I'm sorry, Izuna." Sakura laughs. "I shouldn't tease you." She straightens.

"No, it's okay…besides, when you sit straight you can see your leg from the door."

"Maybe you need to lose some weight, hag." Sai calls from behind the couch.

"Shut up Sai!" She smiles at Izuna. "If you don't mind." She leans against his chest.

Izuna adjusts himself to her body, making sure not to bang her head on his collarbone. His blush dies down and he quietly hums, making his chest vibrate.

"Hey, don't get too comfortable." Madara says. "Sasuke will be here soon, and you don't want to jump out with your pants down."

Sakura sticks her tongue out at him and Izuna's starts blushing _again._

"You blush a lot, Izuna-kun."

"He only does it around you."

"Shut up, nii-san."

Madara sniggers. "He can actually be a huge pervert when he wants to. One time…"

"I don't want to hear about your abuse of flutes, okay?" Sakura crosses her arms.

Madara sticks his tongue out at her and Izuna's soft laughter tickles her ear.

"I don't have the proper anatomy for that, Sakura-chan."

The door opens with a bang.

"Sasuke's in the driveway!" Karin hisses and flicks off the lights. The inhabitants of the room scuffle around loudly, and then abruptly the space goes silent as a 'creeeeak!' echoes though the house.

Sakura prepares herself.

A 'thump!' is heard, and and a couple more creaks, and a 'bang!'.

Finally, the door opens slightly, and Sasuke pokes his head halfway out. Judging it to be safe, he slides his whole body though the narrow hole and flicks on the light switch.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

The whole room shouts, and most of them simultaneously jump/crawl/slide out from their hiding places. (Sadly, some bumped their heads and fell. Luckily, Naruto has a hard head.)

They all rush Sasuke before he can escape, his mother tackling his legs and Itachi sitting on his torso as the raven haired man/boy vainly tried to claw his way though the carpet to the centre of the Earth. Mikoto stuck a blower in his mouth to muffle his screams and a party hat on his head, and Sasuke is magically transported to a seat at the dining room table.

Fugaku appears with the birthday cake, with it's eighteen lit candles, and places it on the table it front of Sasuke.

(This all happened in about one minute, beating the record set four years ago by thirty two seconds.)

"Let's sing happy birthday!" Madara suggests. Sasuke's eyes widen and he struggles violently, but the pushed in chair made his valiant struggles worthless.

"Yeah!" Sakura cheers and Sasuke's devil spawn gaze snaps to her. She smirks back.

Kisame sniggers and begins "Happy…."

They sing the song twice.

The silent male glares darkly and blows out the candles while Itachi happily snaps pictures.

"Yay!" Deidara said halfheartedly and blows his blower. Madara tackles him and the two males disappear under the table.

Mikoto starts handing out cake.

Naruto and Sakura sit on either side of Sasuke, with Sai on Sakura's left. Sasuke still wasn't speaking, so Sai and Sakura began to bicker while Naruto tried to get Sasuke to eat his cake.

"Here comes the birdy, teme-chan!" Naruto cooed. He picked up a large piece of cake with his chopsticks and patted Sasuke's face with it, smearing chocolate icing all over his scowling mug.

"Give me that, dobe." He hissed. Grabbing the chopsticks, he shoved the cake into his mouth and bit down.

"Arrgh!" Sasuke spat out something like a marble. Sakura picks it up with her shirt curiously.

"What the hell…?"

"My eye!" Izuna exclaims blissfully. He snatches the sphere from her, pops it into his left socket and kisses Sakura soundly.

* * *

A/N:

What the fuck, right?

1.I worked on this for weeks. WEEKS for this little thing. ^-^ It makes me happy though.

you tell I don't like Sasu-chan?

video game, superhero, and movie refrences. Because Deadpool is awesome.


End file.
